Proof of Evolution

How humans got here is a touchy subject. People tend to subscribe either to Evolutionary Theory or Creationism.

In one corner you have people who blindly and dogmatically believe what they’re told because of some old man with a white beard supposedly wrote it in a special book many many years ago.

And in the other corner you have religious people.

Bazinga

But seriously… Adam, Eve, Gorillas, Hobbits, Aliens… whatever… Somehow we all managed to get here. We’re not going to judge anyone on what they believe.

But I think it’s worth highlighting the single most compelling evidence that evolution is real: The National Basketball Association.

Roll your eyes all you want, folks. But I think I can make a case that NBA basketballers are a new species. Evolved.

For instance, watch this 2 minute clip of Derrick Rose. I have come to the conclusion that he is the next stage of human evolution. He is clearly Human 2.0

Or you could watch this 30 second clip of Jamario Moon proving that gravity is his bitch by jumping roughly the height of a small mountain to grab a rebound. This man is supposed to be the same species as me, and I’m a person who gets dizzy ascending a stepladder.

And watch a nice mix of Dwight Howard power his way to the basket despite giants trying to stop him. Dwight Howard is what you get if Uma Thurman and Jude Law make babies in GATTACA… Only black.

NBA players are, simply put, beyond the realms of we mere mortals.

Basketball actually suffers because of this. People are repulsed by basketball in large part because it’s a ‘game for giants.’ For example, We love watching Juddy break free from a pack because it falls within what we accept as a human feat. It’s impressive, no doubt… but it’s still a man.

Watching Sam Stosur hoist a US Open trophy is awesome because our daughter might be next, if she puts in the hard yards. Awesome and inspiring, but still a very human accomplishment.

But the NBA? No chance. People hate them for being bigger, better, faster, stronger, more agile…

To make the NBA you need to be evolved. You need to be a Human 2.0 with a vertical leap that pulls down Gravity’s pants in front of the whole school. You need size that makes Arnold Schwarzegger look like a dweeb. You need speed, strength, power and dynamic skill in a combination not seen in any other sport. Rajon Rondo and his dinner-plate size hands. Nate Robinson and his frankly-unfair leaping ability. LeBron James and… well… just… LeBron James.

Yes, it’s unfair that so many men exist outside the acceptable ‘human’ parameters. Yes, watching them make a mockery of physics fills us with self-loathing and self-pity too. But we have to just suck it up, accept our feeble human limitations, and make peace with our own forthcoming and inevitable extinction.

I, for one, welcome our new Human 2.0 Overlords.

Will NBA players evolve into Half-Ant monsters? You can't prove it won't happen!

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One Response to Proof of Evolution

  1. Matt Serres says:

    “I, for one, welcome our new Human 2.0 Overlords.”

    I read this twenty minutes ago and I am still in a fit of laughter. So good. Great read, although the white guys are still kind of stuck in the normal-Human category. They can just shoot threes much better than the rest of us. However, Blake Griffin’s sort-of whiteness shows us that soon the J.J. Redick’s of the world will be extinct. Millions of years from now Archaeologists will excavate his Magic jersey from the ruins of Orlando and he’ll be revered as a God.

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