Tommy Pours Hatorade on Kobe Bryant

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Competitive, spectacular, selfish, arrogant, envious, adulterer, narcissistic.

A chosen few from an endless supply of adjectives that can be used to describe him. The first thing you’ll notice is that not many of them are positive ones. So if you’re a Kobe fan then I suggest you stop reading.

Whether you hate him or love him, he exists and there is nothing you can do about it. As much as I hate him as a human being, even I can admit that he was nothing short of phenomenal on the basketball court back in his prime. His list of accomplishments rivals the best who ever played the game.

Phenominal on the court... just plain ridiculous off the court.

There really isn’t much left for him to achieve at his current age of 33. His resume includes 2 scoring titles, an Olympic Gold Medal, more All Star appearances than he has fingers, a Most Valuable Player Award and one earned Championship ring.

Random Kobe Fan Boy #1, “WAIT A SECOND! KOBE HAS 5 RINGS NOT 1!

I didn’t say he didn’t have 5. I said he earned one and here’s why: Three of Kobe’s championship rings belong to a 7’2” Behemoth of a man named Shaquille O’Neal. No way in hell Kobe would have 5 rings in total without Shaq. Shaq, on the other hand would have gotten it done with or without Kobe.

Kobe knew this, couldn’t handle it so what did he do? He drove Shaq out of Los Angeles, who went on to win another ring with a rookie Dwayne Wade the very next season.

To be fair, Kobe did get his own two rings after but since his wife is taking half of his stuff in the divorce…well you do the math.

Random Kobe Fan Boy #2, “Umm.. Are you forgetting that Kobe scored 81 points?”

No, I’m not. That was indeed an incredible performance in 2006. The second most points scored ever recorded by any player in the history of the NBA. The first was Wilt Chamberlain with 100 points and most would say, and I would agree, that Kobe’s was more impressive. And yet for some reason you can still take away from it. How? Look at his stat line: 81 points, 6 rebounds, 2 assists and 3 turnovers. That tells me in the 42 minutes that he played that night, 95% of the time, he chose to shoot the ball (46 shot attempts) instead of passing to an open teammate. 2 assists and 3 turnovers is pathetic for a ball-dominant Shooting Guard.

He didn’t even try to pass it! In layman’s terms, he’s a hog. The only times he tried to pass it was when he was double teamed or triple teamed by the defensively horrendous Toronto Raptors. Oh and he was guarded by a 33 year old, retiring and washed up Jalen Rose.

Random Kobe Fan Boy #3, “He’s a Shooting Guard, his job is to shoot. Fisher’s job is to get assists yet Kobe leads the Lakers in assists!”

That’s a fair point, a shooting guard’s job is to shoot and he does just that by jacking up numerous shots a game. The guy’s nickname should be “The Black Hole.” Yes, he leads the Lakers in assists but there is a perfectly good explanation for this. ALL the point guards (PGs) that Kobe has ever played with are/were catch-and-shoot PGs eg. Derek Fisher, Jordan Farmer, Shannon Brown, Kareem Rush, Javaris Crittenton and Steve Blake. None of these guys were good passers but they were ready to shoot when and if Kobe ever gave them the ball. My point is that the PGs were employed to shoot when given the rare opportunity and not make plays for anyone whose first name wasn’t Kobe.

Need more evidence? How about the two, 7 foot (future Hall of Fame?) players in Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum! And before he was traded, Lamar Odom. Kobe’s only averaging 5 assists a game throughout his 15 seasons. He had Shaq for God’s sake and still averaged the same number of assists? Are you serious?! Kevin Garnett averaged more assists in Minnesota passing to Joe Smith, Rasho Nesterovic and Wally Szscerbiak.

Random Kobe Fan Boy #4, “Man, you’re just a Kobe hater! Why do you hate him anyway?”

I make no qualms about hating Kobe Bryant. In fact he makes it very easy for me. The man is so arrogant that he gave himself the nickname “The Black Mamba,” which later resulted in some very ugly shoes. He was also accused of rape in 2003 (the case was later dropped), which later lead to numerous comedic sketches.

Don’t get me wrong though, I’m well aware that he’s a very good basketball player. Kobe is the only player in the game today that deserves to draw comparisons to the great one that once wore one number lower than him. And there isn’t much Kobe can’t do on the court. But, in general, he’s a terrible human being. Primarily, he doesn’t learn from his mistakes. For example this season he’s reverted back to the Kobe of old – “shoot first, pass never.” Basically he’s out to prove that he can still get it done all by himself – like Game 1 vs Mavs in the 2011 Playoffs (where he shot 30 times but had 0 assists). We all know he can pass. We’ve all seen it. He just chooses not to – and that’s the difference between a good teammate and a bad teammate.

Hell, that’s the difference between a good player and a great player.

Just for kicks!
Chappelle Show Skit
Dave Chappelle Standup
Chris Rock Standup

For an uncensored, version of this article please email mikeorthedon@gmail.com, or hit @mikeorthedon or @tyuuuuu up on Twitter.

-Tommy

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5 Responses to Tommy Pours Hatorade on Kobe Bryant

  1. Shawn Connor says:

    While I am not a Kobe fan, I definitely appreciate what he does. In a generation where other superstars that came into the league at the wing spot (Carter, T-Mac, LeBron to name a few) how many can we really say that all they tried to do was be the greatest player ever, or how they take nights off and don’t always give their best every time. For all the hate that Kobe cops, at least he goes out there and gives it his all every game, plays through injuries etc. Whether it is purely for selfish egotistical reasons is a different story, but you can’t hate how much effort he puts into his craft.

    Also, the offense that the Lakers ran for many many years (the triangle) isn’t a great offense in which you can generate assists. When the Bulls ran it rarely did players average high assists, in their 72-10 season in which they averaged 105 ppg as a team, the assist leader was Pippen with 5.9 apg and Jordan next at 4.3 apg, and it was only in their first lot of championship 3-peat seasons did Jordan average over 4.5 apg. So for two very similar styled players, Kobe was giving similar assist numbers to Jordan over the

  2. Chrisco says:

    To be honest, if you score 81 points I don’t give a toss about the rest of your stat line.

  3. Matt Serres says:

    Kobe only had 25-30 points at the half and the Lakers were losing. If he passes the ball on half of the his own scoring possessions in the second half, do the Lakers still win? Maybe, but it was a very tight game in the 3rd. Great players take over when it matters, which is what Kobe did. He won them a game that they were struggling to stay in. I’m no Kobe fan either, but in that game he did not hog the ball. He won it for them because they needed him to win it for them.

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