How Australia can win the 2014 FIFA World Cup

Here at Mike or The Don, we think the FIFA World Cup is the greatest sporting event on earth.

We are stocking up on Red Bull, napping at the office, and experimenting with not-quite-legal medication in an effort to retune our body clocks to Brazilian time.

Most pundits are writing off Australia as having no chance. We are not most pundits.

We’ve done the homework for you, investigated our competition, and have come up with this sure-fire, can’t-miss, lock-it-in-eddie guaranteed plan that will win Australia the World Cup.

Allow yourself to imagine those hands belong to Mile Jedinak!

Laughable, you say? Well, let’s break it down, MoTD-style. 

Match 1

14 June

Australia vs Chile

Australia’s first game is absolutely crucial. Chile boast a formidable attack led by Barcelona gun Alexis Sanchez. Arturo Vidal will likely be the key midfield cog.

Vidal… He places passes better than he places headphones

How Australia will win

Cutting effective supply to Sanchez and the Chilean attack is crucial. Fortunately, Australia expects to have Mile Jedinak back in action, also known as the EPL’s most formidable defensive midfielder. If Jedinak can cramp Vidal’s space, Australia can slam on the counter. We will hammer on about Australia’s wing pace a bit in these previews, and nowhere is it more crucial than against Chile. Why? Because Chile’s defence is the wrong side of six foot. Most of their defenders are built like bulls – great in the physical jostle, but live their lives too close to the ground and lack the inches when the ball comes in from above.

Australia? Well, we have Jesus Kennedy and Tim Cahill. If we can utilise our explosive pace on the wings, and send the cross towards the middle, Chile are going to be in trouble. Cahill’s forehead obviously emits some pretty sexy football pheromones, because the ball seems to gravitate towards it. Jesus saves, and he’s pretty damn tall too.

Prediction: Australia 2 (Cahill 19; Kennedy 89) def. Chile 0

 

Match 2

19 June

Australia vs Netherlands

The Dutch are simply not the team they were 4 years ago, when they made the final. Aging stars Robben, Sneijder and Van Persie remain the key men to watch.

How Australia will win

The Dutch will be playing Australia 5 days after their loss (trust us) to Spain. Without midfield maestro Kevin Strootman (injured) the Dutch have recently abandoned the 4-3-3 attacking formation they’re known for and played a more-defensive 5-3-2 formation, which they will surely have to abandon after losing to Spain.

Sorry, Netherlands… there will be no revenge for this moment

They will be keen to avenge that loss, and will be looking to attack-attack-attack. This actually plays into Australia’s hands. Height won’t win us this one, but muscle will. Arjen Robben is notoriously one of the softest players on the planet. Australia will not give him a chance to show his diving skills… because we won’t be clipping his ankle or grazing his hip. We’ll be slamming him. Van Persie too. If we can play into the well-established mental fragility of the Dutch, and get tempers flaring, it is easy to see the Dutch making mistakes. Big mistakes.

Prediction: Australia 1 (Wilkshere PEN 67) def. Netherlands 0

 

Match 3

24 June

Australia vs Spain

The Spanish are mortal, although you wouldn’t know it. They have enviable talent, pedigree, and tactical know-how. Their “key men” are any of the starting 11, as well as the bench and coaching staff.

Add up the collective transfer value of the entire Australian squad and you still couldn’t afford one of these men.

How Australia will win

This is tough, there’s no denying it. However, we are here to tell you that it can be done. So the plan is simple: Click here for Australia’s plan to beat Spain.

Prediction: Australia def. Spain (Forfeit after entire Spanish team consume dodgy Thai food at their hotel, where the football-mad Brazilian chef is fanatically poisoning all perceived threats to the Brazilian team)

 

 

It’s at this stage of the preview that we should mention that we do not for one moment believe Australia will beat Spain, the Netherlands or even Chile.

Mike or The Don expects Australia to lose all three matches, comfortably.

The key aim for Australia is to avoid humiliation, and to build a team culture of pride and 90 minutes of effort. The team retains our full support.

But having that boring honesty out of the way, let’s continue!

 

Round of 16

Australia vs Mexico

How Australia will win

Australia’s main man in defence Matthew Spiranovic subtly changes into a Mexican kit before the game’s first corner. Left unmarked, he heads Australia to the lead before being piled upon by teammates, giving him a chance to change back before the referee notices. The Mexicans are rattled, and Postecoglou proceeds to literally park the team bus in front of goal. As the team bus, an old Volvo B59, is much bigger than the dimensions of a football goal, Australia hold on for the win.

Australia’s Man of the Match

Prediction: Australia 1 (Spiranovic 2) def. Mexico 0

 

Quarter Finals

Australia vs Italy

How Australia will win

Sweet lady revenge, oh how we’ve waited for you. We avenge 2006 in a thriller after a deranged streaker who looks suspiciously like Lucas Neill storms the pitch in the 50th minute, body-slamming the entire Italian team while laughing maniacally. He leaves only one player unslammed, Mario Balotelli, as Super Mario gives him the crazy eyes, scaring away the streaker.

Fair enough. We’d leave him well alone, too.

Balotelli plays the remainder of the game solo against the full Australian squad.

Prediction: Australia 9 (Jedinak 52, 59; Cahill 54, 70, 79, 88; Holland 76; Bresciano 89, 90+6) def. Italy 8 (Balotelli 15, 18, 22, 44, 50, 67, 70, 90)

 

Semi Finals

Australia vs Argentina

How Australia will win

Immediately after kick-off, the Argentinean team stand around looking at their watches while allowing Australia to inexplicably dominate possession. After the match it is revealed that they assumed Italy would be their opponents and were waiting for the Italian squad to show up, and had thought the Australian team was a joke squad paid to entertain the crowd with their ineptitude while the ‘real’ opponents were located.

“Australia? With all the green and gold we thought they were the Washington Generals!”

 

Lionel Messi is the only Argentinean to actually run during the match, but later he explains through tears that he was actually chasing Dario Vidosic around hoping for a “selfie with one of the silly clown football men.”

Prediction: Australia 1 (Oar 88) def. Argentina 0

 

Final

Australia vs Brazil

How Australia will win

The Brazilians avoid the same mistake the Argentineans make after it takes 3 days for FIFA officials to convince them that Australia is a real country, and another 2 days to convince the Brazilians that their opponents come from that country. This sets the stage for a fierce encounter.

Neymar opens the scoring in the 1st minute, and Brazil race out to a 6-0 halftime lead. During the halftime interval, Tim Cahill rallies the troops with a rousing, passionate halftime speech. This promptly has no impact whatsoever, as Brazil continue their training drill and take a 10-0 lead with only 15 minutes to go.

At this stage, overcome by emotion, Tim Cahill literally ascends to a higher plane of existence, physically taking on the Demigod status many of us have long assumed he held. Playing as a disembodied and spiritually pure energy field, rather than a human, Cahill is able to score ∞ goals in the final minutes, leading Australia to a ∞ – 10 victory.

Pictured: Tim Cahill, Golden Boot Winner

 

So there you have it, Mr or Ms Cynical. If you didn’t believe Australia could win before, you surely do now. It’s right there in black, white, and transcendent golden light.

BRING ON THE WORLD CUP! WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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2 thoughts on “How Australia can win the 2014 FIFA World Cup

  1. Pingback: World Cup 2014 – The Mike or The Don Analysis | Mike or The Don

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