If every AFL team was a Game of Thrones character

With Season 7 of Game of Thrones nearly upon us, it’s time to ask the obvious questions:

1. What will happen when Daenerys gets to Westeros?
2. How will Jon Snow manage his new role as King in the North?
3. How crazy can Cersei get with her back to the wall and enemies closing in?
4. How can we work AFL into a Game of Thrones discussion?

Also when can we get some more of this badass?

Well, don’t worry… here at Mike or The Don, we’ve got Question 4 covered…
The Adelaide Crows are Daenerys Targaryen. They’re currently in the lead and looking strong, they have had to travel a lot, and they’ve both overcome the loss of their most accomplished knight (Patrick Dangerfield or Barristan Selmy). They’re willing to rip the odd heart out to get what they want.

Would be willing to eat Port Adelaide’s still-beating heart.

Brisbane are Podrick Payne. Always in need of a helping hand, always developing but not really getting anywhere. A while ago had three moments of extreme satisfaction in quick succession, had other people jealously wondering how it was done… but it’s been a long time since then with not much to show for it.

Yeah, but we’ll always have the memory of 2001-2003… and those three prostitutes too.

Bran Stark. Was interesting once upon a time, but now more depressing than anything else. Does anyone care about Bran’s storyline? No. Do we care about Carlton’s list management? No. They both theoretically have some kind of power, and still have very loyal supporters, but they’re just not all that compelling. If Bran is on-screen you’re not really paying too much attention… same with Carlton.

This bloke is old enough to remember when Carlton were relevant.

Cersei Lannister. Loathed by millions, the Pies and Cersei share a sense of entitlement – as though ruling the land is their birthright. Both are wealthy and have resources at their disposal. Both have a willingness to get their hands dirty, a ruthlessness that’s served them well over the years. Their low points are gleefully celebrated by others. Like Cersei, Collingwood supporters are big fans of incest…

OK so I may have exaggerated the last bit…

Theon Greyjoy. Ouch. Sorry, Bombers fans. But like Theon, your Bombers have been through absolute hell and no longer have the pieces they once did. Every time they seem to be on the path to redemption, something holds them back and brings more pain. The Bombers and Theon seem to attract an unfair share of negative attention over the journey.

Oh yes… I’m about to release another ASADA report… There will be pain…

The Dockers are Ramsey Bolton. A relatively new player on the scene, living in the shadow of their more renowned neighbour. The Boltons were famously jealous of the Starks in the North, as the Dockers have the same “little brother” complex with the Eagles. Had to get through a long period of mediocrity before forging a real identity (the Boltons aided by the Lions/Lannisters, the Dockers by Ross Lyon) and then enjoyed a period of prominence… only for it all to come crashing down to earth.

He even looks a bit like Pav if you squint.

The Night King. Hasn’t been around long, but shook things up considerably once arriving on the scene. Powerful and strong. The Giants and the Night King are excellent recruiters of young talent, as well as picking up the pieces left behind by others and turning them into valuable soldiers. A definite contender, but many think there’s no heart there, just a bit too cold and calculated.

Both come from uncharted territory, unknown to our people, bringing pain and death.

Lord Varys. Seems to know things, trends or tactics, just ahead of the pack. Calm and difficult to rattle. A long and tortured history, but with recent successes. Has mastered self-preservation. Two rules in life: Never bet against Varys, and never tip against Geelong.

“What’s that? You think I’m vulnerable? Oh. How sad for you.”

Oberyn Martell. Athletic and bronzed, with skill and speed. Seemed to rise quickly to a position of power, backed by the highest authorities in the land. But it all came crashing (squelching?) down really, really fast, and is now a virtual non-factor.

Got ahead of himself, then lost his head… sort of… Ewwwww…

Tywin Lannister. Loathed and feared in equal measure for what seemed an eternity. Chalked up win after win after win, never seemed rattled. Cold, calculated, and ruthless in destroying enemies… all of which made it so damn satisfying to watch the glorious downfall.

The same look Hawthorn fans give you when you ask how the Hawks are going these days.

Jaime Lannister. Are they good or are they bad? Who the hell knows?! The Dees will have a cracking win then follow it up with a horrible loss. Jaime will show compassion and nobility, and then follow it up by sleeping with his evil twin sister. Impossible to predict how they’ll act week-to-week.

The look Melbourne fans give when the Snow Report looks good.

Jorah Mormont. Has a proud history, and clear fighting ability, but is just too stubbornly stuck on one ideal even though all logic says they need to let go. Jorah is stubbornly obsessed with Khaleesi even though she’s clearly not interested… The Kangaroos are stubbornly obsessed with remaining based in Melbourne even though they clearly can’t sustain it in the long run.

Jorah to Khaleesi… North Melbourne to Victorian fans… Both unrequited…

Port Adelaide are Samwell Tarly. both have floated through unnoticed for quite some time, not really making any waves, but may be on the rise. Travelling to distant lands as a learning experience has set Tarly and Port Adelaide apart from the crowd. Plays the game slowly, methodically. Not the sexiest option going around, but a while ago defeated a seemingly unbeatable foe (defeating Brisbane in 2004, and killing a White-Walker)

Like Sam, Port’s players are also big fans of patchy prepubescent beards


Arya Stark. Spent a long time as a whipping boy. Has legions of devoted fans, and things are just generally more fun when Arya is succeeding, just as they’re more fun with the Tigers up and running. Has a long history of falling just short of success, so the recent return to power and prominence needs to be treated with caution.

We all know how quickly we could be back here, don’t we Richmond fans?!

Sansa Stark. Not just for alliteration, but because Sansa and the Saints have gone a long time between genuine success. There’s been a LOT of pain along the journey. Overlooked by so many. Not elite yet, but the pedigree is there and has supporters emerging from the woodwork. Both Sansa and the Saints choose to look forward, not backward.

No seriously, don’t look back… it’ll just end in tears.

Margaery Tyrell. Insanely attractive, with wealth to burn. Willing to take on crazy commitments in a relentless search for power (Buddy’s contract, Margaery’s multiple marriages). Makes smart moves and bounces back from setbacks. Has had a doozy of a recent setback, though.

For some reason is an attractive option for free agents.

Melisandre. Always powerful, always confident. Has trouble with travel, though, and Melisandre has balked before the big battle just as the Eagles have had trouble on the MCG. Looks incredible, but there’s a dark secret lurking beneath. For Melisandre, it’s the fact that she’s a frail old woman. For West Coast… you know… drugs n stuff.

Can’t you just let us cling to the illusion that this doesn’t exist?!

Tyrion Lannister. The underdog. Overlooked for eternity, and nearly came completely unraveled more than once. But everyone has a soft spot for Tyrion, and everyone always had a soft spot for the Doggies.

Bulldogs fans for about 4 weeks after last year’s Grand Final.


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