Federal Minister for Sport Bridget McKenzie has announced an immediate Super Duper Royal Commission into Australia’s horrific performance at the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympic Games.
Australian Olympic Committee President John Coates was at a loss to explain why nations like Finland, Sweden, and Canada were performing so well in the winter events, while the semi-arid subtropical/desert continent of Australia wasn’t producing medals.
“How can I show my face at the next International Olympic Committee junket? The frikkin’ Norwegian Committee are going to be insufferable!” Mr Coates said.
“I mean, this country sends our very richest kids to Thredbo for literally days at a time every year, and some of them even end up drunk in Queenstown a few times before they’re 18… so I cannot fathom how we’re not producing legions of world-class snowsport athletes!”
Channel 7 commentator Edwina Bartholomew said she was furious at the Australian Squad for their lack of Gold Medal Moments.
“I’ve been perfecting my ‘GOLD! GOLD! GOLD FOR AUSTRALIA!’ commentary for months now, and it looks like I’m heading home without using it, which is a shame,” Ms Bartholomew said.
“If those so-called-athletes reckon I’m going to bring my A-Game Commentary for a lousy silver in moguls they’re sadly mistaken.”
AOC President John Coates said he’d spoken to Minister for Immigration Peter Dutton, who had agreed to prohibit Australia’s disgraced Winter Olympic squad from returning home.
“I spoke to Minister Dutton about it last week as he had the giant penis on his forehead carefully covered with makeup,” Mr Coates said. “He assured me that he derives intense sexual gratification from turning away people who have a right to come to Australia, so he’s eager to stop the Olympic Squad coming home.”
The Australian squad had been due to arrive back at Sydney Airport on 28th February, with NSW Police Commissioner Michael Fuller saying he was relieved they were being denied entry into the country.
“To be honest we had preparations in place for riot control and barricades to keep the bloodthirsty public mob from attacking the so-called-athletes,” Commissioner Fuller said, “It’s nice not to have to waste police resources on a bunch of LOSERS!”